Being watched

Whenever I think of the movie ‘Bhoothnath”, the only thing i do remember is the scene in which the kid is told that his grandfather watches over him from the stars.

Recently, the expert challenger and challenge handler, Leo, gave me this challenge, to write on “She watches over me”, on my ‘Challenge Accepted‘ page.

When I lost my maternal grandmother, it was something that took forever to sink in. I guess it still isn’t there yet. I remember, after around three weeks of her passing away, I stood on the terrace of my hostel, looking at the sky, and though I know it was my imagination, I saw her face in the clouds. It was as if she wanted me to know she is there, she is safe.

Then a few months ago came another hit, I lost my other granny too. To be very honest, in the moment I came to know of it, I lost myself for a while. I remember screaming on my brother on the phone, remember being lost as to what to do, remember calling up someone to talk, remember being met by a few batch mates.. but still it is all a blur.

Even then, when I stood alone, I felt she was around. I have repeatedly been told I think so because I want to, because I am not ready to accept that they are gone forever.

Yesterday night I stood on my terrace and asked for them to come, to be seen, felt. Call me crazy, but I dreamt of them too. In this dream, i saw snippets of my memories with them both, blurred together… tangled, confused.

Today, when I do something good, it is not my parents, or siblings, my boyfriend, or best friends that come first to mind. It is them, and my maternal grandmother even more so. I like to believe they guide me, and my subconscious which makes my decisions is actually them.

On a lonely night, or when I feel low, I stand under the open sky and talk to them. I wish I could have a conversation, but that is now not possible. I curse those times when I had a chance to tell them what they meant to me, and I let it slide.

They have left, but are around somewhere. From where they are, they watch over me. And I am grateful to them for it.

Have I told you, whenever I think of the movie ‘Bhoothnath’, I am reminded of just one scene.

16 thoughts on “Being watched

  1. Janhvi,

    I so felt what you wrote. Definitely not the same as you, but I know how it feels to lose a grandmother and then derive an amazing amount of pleasure and some solace knowing that she watches over you.
    It helps you get over dark nights, dark days and feel happier knowing they are there.
    and wherever they are watching from, they will know that their grand daughter always loved them. 🙂

  2. It’s quite hard to write a comment. I know I challenged you to this, and I knew it’d have a whole lot of emotions that’d overwhelm you, and me too. But even if you didn’t write it, I am sure I can feel it in your voice when we talk.

    I remember talking to you during your exams when it happened. I can’t comfort silence easily, and it’s not really possible to quell those emotions either.

    I know a lot of people would have told you that, me included, but I believe that if love is there in your heart, for a soul in heaven.. even if they are in memories, that soul is never afar. I wish you could talk to them too, but if I know you, I think you would know their presence too.

    If you have a regret that you couldn’t voice your love and what they mean to you to them… I think they would’ve heard it every time you smiled in their presence, given them a hug.. all those times, tere dil ka dhadkan un cheezon ko.

    This probably was… no, definitely was..the hardest challenge I’ve set you.. and the lump in my throat would be enough to say, you did it absolute justice. (not the topic, but the emotions.)

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