A Tough Choice

Here’s a very small post, with a very important question!

The mere thought of this made me cry for over an hour a few nights back. Asking you this question, my intention is not to make you go through the same pain or confusion but to help you understand your own mind and heart.

 

SITUATION 1 : You leave this world before your parent(s).

The + point – You never need to feel the loss of them going

The – point – You leave them with the pain of losing the child they gave birth to, and saw grow up.

 

 

 

SITUATION 2: They leave this world before you.

The + point – They are saved from the above mentioned pain.

The – point – You get to live through that tragedy and the life afterwards with the gap of their absence.

 

 

Which would you rather have? Bear the pain yourself and or give it to them?; or putting it differently, face death yourself first or let them face it first?

 

Please think and answer!

‘Accident’

Finally, after a long time from when it was given, here I am writing Rahul Miglani’s challenge to me :

I won’t lie, this got to a lot of time to adapt to, but here it is finally.

“You deserve to be there, not her’. He had said these words when he had come to know exactly why their daughter had died. He had also said, “I have long known of this, but I kept quiet for her sake. For the sake of our 2 year baby. Today  if she is not here, it is your fault. And you deserve to be up there, for the wicked woman that you are.” All this had come a few months  after the ‘accident’ had happened. What initially came on the day he heard the news was sheer denial. His baby, his daughter, dead? That could not be possible. Of course not. But it had indeed happened. Arshia was no more around to cheer them up after a long day. There would be no more demands, tantrums. There would not be any more sleepless nights as she cried. There would only be sleepless nights as they cried for her loss.

His words now ring in my ears, even after 6 months.. Every day I see the pain in his eyes, the pain I had caused him. At times my selfish part tells me it was not my fault, that it was indeed an accident. That it was fate, which could not be changed. But mostly, I am well aware of the fact that it was indeed I who was solely responsible. Had I not been the one to leave the window open to let him in! Had I not been the one to stack bricks right outside the window for it to be easier to climb in! Had I not been the person who ignored my daughter’s calls as I lay behind curtains! If only I had closed the window… If only I had gone on being called… If only…….

Yet again I sit and am reminded of how true his words are. I can do nothing but day after day see him live a zombie life. We do not talk these days. Others tell me he talks to none, even at work. I did not just kill my daughter that day, I killed my husband too.

Tonight again, I will dream of that day, when his colleague and neighbour had come in to meet me during lunch hour. We had known my husband does not come home for lunch. Everyday, this was “our time”, when we quenched our thirsts with each other. Tonight yet again, I will see her walk into the room, calling out to me, looking for me. I will remember not answering her though I was right there, behind the curtains on our bed. I will remember telling him to stay quiet till she left the room. But most of all, i will remember seeing her bend and look out of the window, fall over and I will remember forever the sound of her skull crushing on the bricks. Tonight again, I will lie awake thinking of my sins. Tonight will be another sleepless night. Unless I sleep now…. forever. I killed my family that day, it is now my turn.

I can see the floor coming closer now. I can now meet her and say sorry. Here it is… my death.. just a few seconds away… Here………

 

P.S. The exact challenge was

Write a story about the suicide of a women , who lost her child that fell out of the window while she was making out with the neighbour.

Being watched

Whenever I think of the movie ‘Bhoothnath”, the only thing i do remember is the scene in which the kid is told that his grandfather watches over him from the stars.

Recently, the expert challenger and challenge handler, Leo, gave me this challenge, to write on “She watches over me”, on my ‘Challenge Accepted‘ page.

When I lost my maternal grandmother, it was something that took forever to sink in. I guess it still isn’t there yet. I remember, after around three weeks of her passing away, I stood on the terrace of my hostel, looking at the sky, and though I know it was my imagination, I saw her face in the clouds. It was as if she wanted me to know she is there, she is safe.

Then a few months ago came another hit, I lost my other granny too. To be very honest, in the moment I came to know of it, I lost myself for a while. I remember screaming on my brother on the phone, remember being lost as to what to do, remember calling up someone to talk, remember being met by a few batch mates.. but still it is all a blur.

Even then, when I stood alone, I felt she was around. I have repeatedly been told I think so because I want to, because I am not ready to accept that they are gone forever.

Yesterday night I stood on my terrace and asked for them to come, to be seen, felt. Call me crazy, but I dreamt of them too. In this dream, i saw snippets of my memories with them both, blurred together… tangled, confused.

Today, when I do something good, it is not my parents, or siblings, my boyfriend, or best friends that come first to mind. It is them, and my maternal grandmother even more so. I like to believe they guide me, and my subconscious which makes my decisions is actually them.

On a lonely night, or when I feel low, I stand under the open sky and talk to them. I wish I could have a conversation, but that is now not possible. I curse those times when I had a chance to tell them what they meant to me, and I let it slide.

They have left, but are around somewhere. From where they are, they watch over me. And I am grateful to them for it.

Have I told you, whenever I think of the movie ‘Bhoothnath’, I am reminded of just one scene.

Re-birth

Ok people. something died!
And now its suddenly looking like it was a false alarm. So its back….


What am i talking about? Am referring to a blog I had made some time ago, about imperfect love… love being perfect in it’s imperfections…. I killed it in a short time… but now, with the help of a good friend and brilliant writer, Leo, it’s back to life. So do see it here.. and let me know what you think of it……. ( I am purposefully not talking about it, as I wish for you to see it yourself).

That’s all for now! See you later all.

P.S. As this is more of a notification than a post, the normal ideas I apply to a post have been skipped. :p

Weakness?

I got this challenge from Leo at the beginning of this month. (You too can challenge me at my page – ‘Challenge Accepted‘).

In our lives, many a times, it happens that we  are grieved by something. In such a scenario, most of us make a brave face and stop our tears, or save them for later, when we are alone. The few who are real and unashamed of accepting the grief, do cry, and I think these are the ones that have actually come to terms with the event.

That should answer your question in a line Leo.

Challenge Ten: Is being emotional weak?

Being emotional and showing it is a sign of being real and not hiding your true feelings from others who matter and care. I do not mean that crying or showing your true feelings can be an emotion we can indulge in where-ever we want, but for those who think, that crying in front of other’s is cowardly, think again.

I remember the times when each of my grandmother passed away. On one occasion I was with both my younger sisters and I had to make sure I did not cry so as not to upset them even more, and in the other I had a class to attend 5 minutes after I got the news. So, in both cases, I initially held my tears back. I regret that decision. I feel if I had just allowed myself the luxury of crying for a few minutes then and there, I would have taken both the deaths more strongly. That is the way I see it, I could be wrong.

Being emotional relates not with weakness but with the fact that we are not ready enough for certain situations. The two are often confused. I would go to the extent of saying that a person who is weak is the one who hides his tears and tries to put up a brave face. If something has occurred, which has the potential of making you cry, why lie to others around you. Why try and seem too strong. It is a psychological fact that what we “try” to be is the exact opposite of what we are. Are we that weak that we need to hide our true selves?

Finally, to your question as to why you could not cry Leo, or do you need to change? One, if you have grown up being conditioned to not crying, tears will be hard to come. But I personally believe it’s better to cry and let it out than keep it in. “Ban jaayenge zeher peete peete, ye ashq jo peeye ja rahe ho”

And don’t change yourself because I or someone else says so. Don’t even expect us to judge it for you, be your own judge, because when your mind truly honestly thinks that you need to change something about you, you will change. It will be subconscious and you will not need to think or act on it.

Take care everyone. And take care Leo.

P.S. Two unconventional posts to definitely read – Demokracy and Yes to Abortion

P.P.S. My interpretation of the story I tried to convey through the pictures in my last post here – A baby girl is born. She is blond (as is conveyed by the see dog she has with her). She meets and marries a blind man and they have a daughter too. The couple grow old together and die together. The story continues in the same fashion for the left behind daughter, who is also blind (as is conveyed by the last picture).

House arrest

Legally, it is a punishment in which a person is not allowed to leave his house, or something similar.

Well, today I am going to talk of a different kind of house arrest. It is when we house arrest ourselves or our family for what we claim to be their “benefit”. Can house arrest ever be beneficial?

Recently, I came across such a case. It had been present for many years now but the results were evidently visible only now.

So answer a question for me before I move on, if you were put inside a house on a very high floor in an apartment, and you were not allowed to go outside even downstairs for some air or to meet anyone, or also not allowed to open the windows of the house for “fear” of dust coming in and someone getting sick, and the only time you left the house was in a closed car and exiting the car you entered another closed building; what would happen to you over a long run?

Let me tell you what happened to the person I knew facing this, she’s dead. Yup, I put it that bluntly. A person who was not let to even breathe fresh air except for those few moments between her house, the car and the other house/ any other building. A person who met for most days no one except the members inside the house because it is not everyday that people come to your house to meet you, and she wasn’t working (which would have meant meeting at least someone). And someone who lives so far into a concrete jungle that no-one even loves  to visit it often. She was shifted from a ground floor house in an open colony in a great part of a nice city to a high floor house in an apartment in a city where no-one even knows who their neighbour is. They were moved from a place where they went out everyday in the fresh air and met people to, a place where, as I said, the windows are not even opened once in a day. I’m not surprised the results were what they were.

 

So why am I writing this… this is my heartfelt plea to all people already earning a lot of money, or aiming to…i pray all the monetary success for you, and i know you can give your parents all the technological best if they come stay with you and that making them stay with you is your nice intention, but please do not move them from their peaceful organized life somewhere to the “big city’ you may be working in. They may miss you where they presently are, and you may miss them too, but more than big houses and lcds they need an environment which is friendly for them…. so if you really truly love them enough, as long as they are comfortable, don’t judge them by your yardstick of comfort and move them… it might be the deciding factor between life and death (literally too).

Thing to do before I die

Seeing a post regarding the same on another blog – here, I decided to make my own list. As this may become extremely boring for those of you who can’t figure out why they should read someone’s wish list (though I love doing it – it tells me a lot about that person), here’s something to motivate you, and this can be done by the others too: Read the list and see how many of these do you share with me. Then let me know how many and which ones as a comment. :)

1. Visit my birthplace

2. Visit my ancestral hometown

3. Live apart from my family

4. Learn how to swim

5. Scuba diving

6. Get out of an awkwards situation with “his” family/friends without making a fool of myself.

7. Win a recognized blog award

8. Marry in pomp

9. Get pregnant

10. Have a baby girl

11. Be able to gift my brother his dream bike

12. Build a house for my parents

13. Live in a hill station

14. Learn Salsa and Ball dance

15. Play the keyboard for a large audience

16. Learn one foreign language well

17. Visit Venice, Paris

18. Be with “him” alone on a beach

19. Win tambola (housie) once

20. Sky diving

21. Raise atleast 3 different pets at the same time

22. Ride in a personal limo

23. Ride in a personal helicopter

24. Take surprise gifts home for everyone

25. Fall head over heals in love

26. Have a bff who knows me better than me myself

27. Get 3 ‘Ace’ while playing ‘teen patti’

28. Cook a whole meal for a huge gathering

29. Forgive all my ‘enemies’

30. Have my name mentioned in a magazine

31. Become very slim

32. Publish my novel

33. Get him to get my name tatooed

34. Tatoo his name

35. Get 1crore viewers here

36.Have a barbeque verandah at home

37. Slap someone hard across the face

38. Get very close to death and come back safe

39. Scream at the people unnecessarily talking in a movie hall

40. Participate in a game show

41. Win a game show

42. Meet Amitabh Bachchan

43. Watch a movie with “him” (my boyfriend and not Big B) in the PVR Gold Class

44. Watch a movie shooting

45. Work in the same town as my bff

46. Be able to buy myself anything my younger sister or younger cousins put a hand on

47. Organize a wedding

48. Cry at my wedding

49. Get pampered without any limits for a week

50. Learn to speak up if I dislike something

51. Be a part of a movie

52. Be able to remove all saas bahu serials from television

53. Watch the old cartoon network again

54.  Write my autobiography

55. Write another person’s biography

56.Name a star after him

57. Sponsor a child’s education

58. Spend a whole day with a very small baby, doing nothing else

59. Receive a surprise party

60. Write a time capsule

61. Meet a great author in person

62. See the shooting of a reality show

63. Meet Neil Pattrick Harris

64. Play at a casino in Las Vegas

65. Romantically dance with him in the rain

66. Spend a week with him with no worry of any work or anything else

67. Finish a KFC chickenbucket by myself

68. Eat a red chilli without water

69. Visit Disney Land

70. Laugh so hard I start crying

This list is by no means exhaustive and I will keep adding to it as and when I remember…. but this is my list uptill now. Now that you’ve come this far, do drop by a comment on your own wishlist. :)